Fair warning: Ranting = guaranteed to be longwinded and not very eloquent. But I needed to get it out!
It's funny the way life transitions even when we don't...I was liking life--up until this very week. I saw no reason for a change, and yet it came. I don't know if it's the time of year, when all I really want to do is go check out all the cute Christmas decorations that are already goin up, or the lack of motivation that comes with 5 months straight of mental taxation, or perhaps it's knowing that all that mental strain isn't going to stop for a very, very long time. No, I believe it is the constant shifting of paradigmes that is a certainty in life. We are never to be sure of what we know, for it is constantly being challenged. Examples:
Scenario #1:
School was going well. (Study hard--->Take a test--->Nail the test--->Love life)
This week: (Study hard--->Take a test (or 3)--->Bomb the test?!--->Confused)
Truth: If you study to learn, you will learn. However, you may not always do well on exams, remember every sign or symptom of every condition you've studied, or be able to express yourself well when working through a differential diagnosis. There is always someone better, always someone worse, and the day will come when regardless of those individual test scores, a decision on the future of some person's life will lie in your hands. Your very capable hands.
Paradigm Shift: Before this week, and throughout much of life, I believed the work you put in equals what you get out. And my life has abided by this parameter. And here's the shift: Put the same effort into my studies, and get a LAME result...I am coming to realize now that there is No Guarantee for Greatness in any one area of our lives, aside from greatness in Who we Are. Granted I didn't fail miserably or anything in my exams, but there was a definite falter in the meeting of my expectations, which leads one to believe the expectations may be askew...
Lesson: Life's lessons don't follow our expectations...Keep studying to learn, (I've heard people say it builds character) and somehow things work out.
Scenario #2:
Alan has now been unemployed for 6 months. It is so hard for me to watch him do quite literally everything possible to find a job, and still come up empty. He has 'wined and dined' (by which I mean...gone to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch) so many people, trying to expand his network, and has had many exciting possibilities within reach, but then in the end, nothing has worked out. He has literally gone to every meeting, every training, every interview, and every place he could possibly meet someone in a position to help, including the LDS Employment Group Trainings--and still nothing. He works at the Bishop's storehouse multiple times each week, does his Home Teaching, fulfills his calling, studies his scriptures each day, visits with others...Basically fills his life with meaningful service. His faith is so much stronger than mine, and I love him for that. But I can see the situation taking its toll on him. He is so skilled and able, and I think he just wants to prove it! He needs to be able to Work. I have been praying endlessly for him. On Thursday, I had a rather intimate discussion with the Lord, of which I won't describe in detail, and Friday morning, Alan got an invitation to interview at the CME on Monday (Chicago Mercantile Exchange...Big Deal!) He was so prepared! He went. He rocked it. They smiled. They laughed. They made notes on his resume. He sent a thankyou card...We said a prayer of gratitude. He got an email. Today.
Dear Alan Ricker, thank you for your interest in the position....Blah blah blah...Decided to move forward with another candidate...bLah Blah Blah....my heart is now in my hand. I don't get it! Again, another paradigm shift.
Truth: Heavenly Father has a plan. We don't know or get it most of the time. but He does. He must.
Paradigm Shift: Background-We knew/know we were led here for a reason. I got into my school in CT...Higher ranked, near NYC, loved the area....so why are we here?! Our foundation in life has been following some sort of plan. We moved out here, away from our comfort zone, and Alan got right to work, because we just Knew that with some hard work, motivation, and patience, he would find a great opportunity to start his career. We established expectations and got ourselves all situated for life as it "should be." And now we're running out of patience, the motivation is high, but the heart is broken, the expecatations have not been met, and we are at a loss as to what else we can do... SO-the shift is in our vision of life. We are lost as to what to feel or hope for, and a little downtrodden I must admit. Our parameters have been tossed about, and we now recognize a time of transition... A time of turbulence. We now see that we established 'comfort' in someplace we have no control over. Our paradigm/sense of reality was misplaced, and is being redirected.
Lesson: It's hard not to ask ''Why" when it seems like it's the only legitimate question to ask. Or 'when.' That's another good one. Rather, this week we are focusing on What....What else can we do with our time? What kinds of wonderful things can we fill our time with? and HOW... How can we maintain our faith and trust in a plan we know nothing about? Well, then it hits me. It's not the plan we put our trust in, it's the Planner. And I am Not the Planner. There's the final Shift. OUr sense of reality is constantly undergoing Shifts/Changes. And yet, isn't it interesting that it is constantly being reverted back to a single truth. I wonder what our reality would be like if we kept our vision in Line with His. There would be no need for paradigm shifts, because the boundaries of 'our little world' would never sway with the changing of events that occur in our lives.
So we wait. And the only plan we have, is to not plan anymore. (HUGE deal for me) We'll take it a day at a time, simply trying to live the lives we're meant to live.
With that, I'll say good night. I'm in for another few weeks of studying before I can catch a breath. We appreciate your prayers and your examples of faith. We love you.
The End
